The 10 finalists of Daun Muda award have been announced. Guess what. My bad unconscious wish for not entering to the final round has come true (one of my friends told me). To my surprise, I feel something cracked inside. Is it my hope or my pride? I’m not sure. Maybe both. “I don’t really want it anyway.” I keep conveying myself over and over. However, as I skim through the name list, somewhere inside me, foolishly hoping to find my name and my partner’s name among the finalists.
And when I couldn’t find it, I felt even more despair.
Somehow I feel like a big bad loser. I feel like it was entirely my fault. I’m the one who wasn’t doing it right. I belittle the competition. I have disappointed my partner. I feel like a murderer for killing his hope. I’m sure everything would turn out totally different if he, my partner, had not picked me as a teammate. I’m sorry.
People say losing is a common thing. Somewhere along the road, you will have to meet with it face to face. Like it or not. But still I can’t bare the guilt of losing. Losing makes me feel like an outsider.
I will get myself back on the run. I know I will. But first thing first, I'll have to make sure to where my passion belongs. So i can hush my bad unconscious wish away.
2 comments:
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