My whole life I’ve been asking myself, “am I good enough?” and most of the time the answer is “no”. Although sometimes my works and the people around me tell otherwise, I still can’t bring myself to believe in my own capacity. Am I being too hard to myself? Or I’m simply having a serious self-confident issue.
Take this blog as an example. This might not be the best or the most inspiring blog that you’ll and have been reading so far, but at least it’s still got decent values. It doesn’t tries to sell any product. It isn’t a sex blog or one which promoting vandalism. In fact some people found it quite inspiring. However, it’s hard for me to simply putting the blog’s address on my facebook. I’m afraid many people will read it and dislike it. Maybe they will find many grammatical errors in my English-post, such as this one, and make fun about it.
When had this crisis started and what were the causes? What was wrong with my childhood that has formed my personality as a timid and mousy guy? I’m not sure I have the answers. But one answer that I surely have that if I let myself to keep on feeling what I’m feeling. Doing what I’m doing. Thinking what I’m thinking, I’ll be the guy who live in my own worst nightmare, every day, every night, every time; the guy who got dreams but not dreams-come-true. I will grow old and bitter and live the rest of my life full of regrets.
Of course I realized this notion since years ago and I’ve been fighting it ever since. Did I win the battle? I will say, not yet. It’s really hard to change the habit that has been rooting for many years. It’s like trying to cure cancer which has undermined your body bit by bit and going to eats you alive from the inside at any moment. It’s so relieving that I’m still not losing hopes.
I guess it’s true what people say that we are bound to repeat our parents’ mistakes. One day, 4 years ago when my dad was 69 years-old, out of nowhere, he just bought himself a baby piano. Then he said to me that he’s always wanted to play piano but never had the chance. I was surprised. Why in the world, from all of the years he got, had he waited so long just to learn to play piano? You can tell different version of reasons that maybe he had no time, or no money, or others things, but frankly speaking, what lack from him was just courage. I know this perfectly well, and not just because he is my father, but because I see myself in him.
I think, we as a human, has a kind of mental sickness to always imagine about our perfect-future but never really done anything meaningful to embody it. Just like creating a movie but only to be played in our own theater-of-mind.
But now everything is different. Or at least I try to make the differences by stop wondering and start doing. Start running. Start trying. The hell with mistakes and mocking talks that might be happen behind my back, because you’ll never fly if you never fall. It’s time to give my dream its wings; more faith.
I don’t want to start chasing my dreams at 69 years-old. I don’t want to regret. I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to go the extra miles. And I have to do it now.
So, here I go!
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