It may be the biggest, most important question in our life. It’s the riddle each of us longing to solve. The answer is so essential it divine the future and strengthen our existence in today’s world where everyone looks almost the same. Some people might find it easy to discover, but for some others, like me, we can stuck in everlasting confusion. And no others have the answer but oneself.
It’s easier for us to claim others qualities than to seek for our own. We tend to become what people want us to be, instead of something we are happy to be. Because it’s the shortcut, the “Ponari Water” to reach too, what it seems, the best of us. And we think we might be able to make everybody happy, where as it is impossible.
How one can make everybody happy if one is not.
You may take my writing as bullshit. A desperate man searching for a life sensation through a cheap publication. If you do think this note that way, you should stop wasting your time reading this piece of crap. But for you who willing to listen; this is my true story, my unfinished journey to find who I really am. The scary thing about this whole episode of self-discovery is, I don’t know when and how will I end the story. But maybe this writing is the start.
I’m not someone you used to think I am.
I’m the boy who sits alone in the corner, shy; feel inferior, not brave enough to speak out his mind. The geek, the loner, not good in making friends because I’m worry too much to make mistakes, instead I made even a lot more. I always try to be the best; I forget no one is perfect. I guess that’s how sometimes people get the bad vibe from me.
Honestly, sometimes it hurts so much, when loneliness visit me. I try to hush it away by pretending everything is okay. But I can’t. I'm too weary to fool myself. Yesterday afternoon, when I was sitting alone, a line of questions sprang suddenly; “what would I become in the next 10 years? Would I be myself? Would I be happy for what I have become? Since then, these questions kept echoing over and over inside my head. Like a broken cassette. Like the sound of thousand bats flying out of darkest cave.
Please don’t spare me your pity, for I already have enough from myself. I didn't write to beg, I did it to tell you the unspoken side of me. The dark side. The one that I keep running away from. Above all I did it because...
I really want to be your friend.
People say friend got nothing to hide from each other. A friend always tells his friend the truth. And this is my truth; I can’t find my way alone. I need friends to share my dreams. I need friends to slap me on the head if I do it wrongly. I need friends whom I can tell about my fears and doubt. I need friends that will stay with me no matter what happen.
So then maybe I’ll find the answer, Who am I? And maybe... you'll find yours as well.
---Lovers and friends are alike, they come and go. The only difference is friends take you wherever they go (they keep you in their heart, just as if you wonder. ;p).---
PS: I deliberately wrote in English, because I never really have the courage to do it and to listen to critics. But now I’m not scare (okay. Maybe a little bit. OKAY! OKAY! I'm scare. I'm so scare. okay. Fiuuuuh... :p). People say making mistakes is the best also the bitterest way to find ourselves. …
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